4 months on...

Here I am after a good 4 months or so. Well, life has been kind of busy these past few months. Where do I begin? I spent 3 months sweating it out, eating right and being extremely strict with myself. The result - I am 12 kgs lesser today! I never thought it would be possible. Every moment while I worked out on cross trainers, treadmills and steppers, I swore I would never allow this weight to come back to me! The change has transformed me not just physically but mentally too. It has given me great confidence and the compliments are continuing to pour in - making me blush with glee every now and then.

The other big news is that I have joined work. Let me tell you that working in a news channel is not all about glamour. The office is splendid and walking in to NNI on my first day was an experience I would never forget. The swanky red and grey interiors, the three floors of office, the studios that till now were only seen by me on TV - it was all too surreal. And then of course there was Ashutosh - the Managing Editor of NNI - every budding journalist's role model. Supremely intelligent, always a newshound and very very handsome! When he interviewed me for 40 minutes for this job, my only thought was "even if he doesn't take me now, I still got to spend 40 minutes with him!" Every girl at NNI gushes and goes weak in the knees when he so much as smiles at her...so you can imagine my state when he said "Welcome to NNI Naina" and shook my hand..I could have swooned in pleasure! The news anchors are not just pretty faces that you see on television, they are also journalists who have to always keep themselves abreast of all that's happening in the world. As for me, I am a desk writer on the channel's output desk. My work involves writing news scripts, making 2 minute news stories out of material that bureau reporters send, designing graphics for these stories and basically telling the story in crisp language with relevant visuals. Much of the stuff that I have to do, I have already learnt at journalism school - including video editing so life at work is not that challenging just yet. I hope one day I can be a reporter and go on field - but as Ashutosh says - every fresher must begin at the desk because the desk is the engine of the channel.

Coming to love life now...well, it's more complicated than ever. Aryan and I are very much in touch now that we are in the same city. We go out often for dinners, movies, plays, coffees. Off and on, we hold hands, hug tighter than friends should and kiss each other on the cheeks. There was that one night about 10 days ago when he was dropping me off home after a movie and we hugged and he gave me a quick peck on the lips. My heart was ready to pop out and the butterflies in my tummy were fluttering hard. A million questions were ready to flood my mind but that moment was special and I just wanted to savour it. Strangely, we never spoke about it. We just pretended nothing happened. That's another thing that bugs me. I need clarity of thought and action. This confusion is killing me. He is still with Kanika and I don't want to cause another break up in his life. But what do I do when the love of my life kisses me? And why is he kissing me? Why doesn't he go kiss Kanika? Funnily enough, he is not physical with her at all...not even to the extent of holding hands. So if he's not attracted to her why is he dating her? But I don't want to ask him all this. It's his life. He can take his decisions. I don't want to lose our friendship because of my feelings. 

More on things later. I have some things to finish now before I meet Aryan for a coffee...let's see what twists get added today!

Grey?

Well, so the weight loss regime is going on slower than I imagined...after a week of sweating it out and avoiding all things yummy, I have lost a mere 300 gms!! I could cry!! I am dreaming of cakes, gulab jamuns, pasta and what not!! So, my instructor makes me write down every tiny bite of anything or everything that I nibble through the day (so she can reprimand me the next day), in addition I am supposed to drink at least 16 glasses of water in a day! Phewww!! My highest has been 8 glasses so far and yes, the instructor is disappointed in me. She says I have some "tough weight" on me. Duuuuhhhhh...after 22 years of my life, I sure don't need an instructor to tell me that much!!


So as far as Aryan is concerned, we are continuing to meet about once a week. Last week we went out for a movie and held hands through the movie. Do friends do that? Even best friends? I don't know what it is between us. We have met after 2 years and the chemistry still seems to be there. But it's almost deja vu again since he's dating Kanika this time. The weird thing is we haven't spoken about "us" at all. Two years ago, when his breakup with Neha happened, he clearly knew I was in love with him. I don't know what he thinks now. He hasn't asked me and I haven't told him. Maybe he believes I have moved on. He certainly does not say anything romantic to me but what am I supposed to make of non-platonic forehead pecks and holding hands in movies? I know we are not in a relationship. But then we are certainly not behaving like friends either. I hate this sort of mental confusion. I need clear demarcations in my head about relationships. We can either be friends or a couple. There is no in-between. I of course want us to be a couple. But I am not sure what Aryan wants and I am not about to ask him. All I know is I see things in black or white and this grey colour is disturbing the hell out of me.

A harmless spark?

I am having a particularly stressful day. Not just am I tired of being deprived of my favourite foods, I am also in a mental mess with respect to my relationship status. In case I haven’t mentioned this before I am in a “sort-of” relationship with Aryan. Let’s just say it’s complicated. We just started living together in the same city after 2 years and he is currently dating Kanika – his batchmate.  He and I have always discussed our relationships at length and been open about pretty much everything. Of course I am not happy about him being with Kanika but he says it’s a fling that doesn’t mean anything. On the other hand, he and I share a friendship that we would give up our lives for. But something strange happened today. We took a walk in the park in the evening and just as we hugged to say goodbye, he held me longer than a friend should. My heartbeat went up to a million a second and he just took my face in his hands, looked into my eyes and then just gave me a peck on the forehead and said “bye sweetheart”. Now, when a man does that, what’s the woman supposed to think? It wasn’t the platonic, friendly peck; the look in his eyes wasn’t platonic. So what exactly was that? Just a spark from the past? Should I be ignoring it or thinking and analyzing about it – like I am doing right now?

Tackling the weight

I was always a healthy child, a plump, cute girl. At the risk of sounding immodest, I can say I have pretty features, a Cindy Crawford like mole on the upper lip, deep brown eyes, curly hair that are currently in a straight form – thanks to rebonding, a set of sparkling, white teeth that I flash every other moment because I love to smile :) My constant problem has been my tendency to gain weight. Now that I have 2 months before I start working, I am joining a gym and taking massages and therapies to lose weight. Of course none of it will be possible without a super strict diet. For the next 2 months, my instructor is going to monitor every little morsel that goes into my system. Exercise is not really one of my favourite things but I think once you start, a few days later you also start to enjoy it. So starting tomorrow, I am hitting the gym everyday, 2 hours a day, 6 times a week and cutting out ALL junk and unhealthy food from my diet and my life. I am a complete foodie. If food were a man, I would be in a very successful lifetime commitment by now! But now, it’s time for divorcing the calories and looking fit and fabulous – after all I am going to be joining the very glamourous Indian media industry!

Landing the job

I was watching the first day first show of yet another much awaited Bollywood film that that I am sure will be a hit. I love films. They fulfil my simple formula of “when in doubt, get away from reality”. Accompanying me was my best friend and love interest of the last 5 years – Aryan. I adore him with all my heart and soul. I can do anything for him and as corny as that sounds – I mean it.

I met Aryan when I was 17, we hit it off instantly and even though I don’t admit this to too many people, I was the reason for his breakup. His girlfriend was a good friend of mine and trust me, I am not the kind who would steal a friend’s boyfriend but Aryan and I were friends before she came into the picture. I loved Aryan before he fell in love with her. They had a strange sort of relationship, he was extremely vocal about how he felt and she was extremely shy almost coming across as being uninterested sometimes. I spent many evenings listening to Aryan’s love problems, playing agony aunt to him and his girlfriend even though I was falling more and more in love with him every moment. Just so happened that one day, I was at my secret hideout – “the terrace” – the place where I went every time I felt low about life. Aryan knew about it. As I stood by the railing, looking at the darkness and fighting feelings of jealousy knowing that Aryan loved someone else, he came up right behind me and scared the hell out of me. We walked hand in hand to the water tank, sat there together in silence and I rested my head on his shoulder while he put his arm around mine. Somehow, without intending to, we ended up kissing! What followed were many days of more kisses on the terrace, at the ice cream parlour, at the club, at his place and along with the pleasure, feelings of tremendous guilt hit both of us – him for betraying the girl he claimed to love and me for betraying a friend. Eventually the burden of guilt became too heavy to carry and we decided to come clean with his girlfriend. Her name is Neha by the way. Needless to say, what followed was a whole lot of mess and in gist – Neha broke up with him. Aryan was shattered. He truly loved her – that’s what he believed at that time anyway. We lived in different cities for the last 2 years but now we are together in Delhi with me doing my internship and him studying in engineering college. Even today I am madly in love with him.

Anyhow, we got out of the movie hall and I called back the number from which I had 13 missed calls. It was the number of NNI – News Network India – the latest English news channel in the offing. They wanted me to come and collect my offer letter. I got my first job. Yippee!

Aryan and I drove across the city, to collect the letter and later celebrated with a Chinese lunch. My joining date is 3 months away. In the meantime, I have an internship to finish at another news channel and 2 months to just enjoy my life. On the priority list is weight loss!